Marriage, Joke of the Century

Not very long ago I was in love with an exceptionally beautiful woman. Deeply in love apparently. The trouble is, I didn’t know it, and I didn’t expect to be, until the day she left for good. I could still find her if I want to. And I don’t mean those serendipity crap. I meant I actually know where to find her. Only that a pathetic jerk like me can never find the guts to actually go for it. Well, it wasn’t meant to be anyways. She was married and still is I should think. After all, being in Malaysia, apart from the dramatic political scene with dumb fucks dragging a cow’s head along the roads of a developed city, and some civil servants just conveniently forget they tossed someone out a 14th floor window, or a sweet girl getting caned for drinking a mug of rotten barley juice in public, nothing dramatic really happens. So no, I don’t think anything happened to her marriage in the past several months. But I might be wrong. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, please, bear with me for a moment.

First of all, what is marriage? Marriage is a social union or a legal contract between individuals that creates kinship, depending on culture or demographic. Now let’s translate that into Malaysian context. There are a few definitions I can derive from the definition above, taking into account the customs of Malaysian society.

• It’s something people do so the parents will shut up about it already;
• It’s a legal contract Malaysians need to stay faithful to each other;
• It’s what Malaysian (mostly the female species) do to brag to the unmarried; and
• It’s a license to have sex without the “authorities” breathing on your neck (unless you’re sleeping with the authorities… whatever turns you on)

So my question is, why bother? Firstly, we never listen to our parents anymore anyways. Secondly, it’s not about being faithful, it’s about who can remain faithful the longest (that would be the real loser). Thirdly, brag all you want, nobody gives a flying fuck…really. And last but not least, everyone’s sleeping with everyone. If you aren’t a public figure who happens to have broken your promise to some contractors years ago, no one will tip off the authorities about that rendezvous of yours and your secretary because you don’t worth nothing. Now let me ask you again… why bother?

People tend to live this utopian dream wherein once you’re married, you live happily ever after. Unfortunately, the dream lasts until after the wedding day. It’s downhill from then on. For the past few years, many of the people I know (or once knew) had gotten married and to my naïve self’s surprise, they don’t stay married very long. Some spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on a wedding that lasted not longer than my libido after a year without any sexual healing. I also know couples who had been together / married for as long as 25-30 years but broke up because the men had caught the ham-sap disease, a.k.a. penyakit-memantat-bukan-bini, or the deadlier variant of the disease, penyakit-memantat-bini-orang.

What I’m trying to say is, the institution of marriage is now a joke. It is just another multi million dollar almost-organized industry. Many think they do it for love, but how can you call it love when it takes longer to plan the wedding that the marriage does to fail? So people, if you are in love and want to share it with each other, get a dog... or a cat… or a plant. Unless you are committed to that person that he/she appears hotter than Megan Fox (or her male equivalent), don’t bother. Don’t waste your time, your partner’s emotions, and your parent’s money.

All been said, no marriage is strong enough to last anymore. All you can do is to enjoy it while it last, because it will imminently pass…

… and if that woman’s happy marriage does eventually pass, I will be there. Or should I just play with the troubled water and go for it now? Hmm… I don’t know, it’s a pickle.

Maybe I should get something to eat. I’m thinking of spaghetti. Carbonara perhaps. And I know just the place to go. What do you think?

I Need A Nissan Grand Livina

There’s a point in a young man’s life where he needs to make a choice. A cross road where he would either stop and think deeply on which turn to make and considers all the possible outcomes, or simply choose one instead of another, not knowing let alone caring on the challenges await. Would he go right where most men do; a turn so safe that nothing can possibly be wrong? Or would he turn left where the road ahead is narrow, dark and empty? Or would he deflect and make a U-turn instead and watch the others move on?

It’s a pickle.

Light turns red. The young man stops. Heart is pounding. He breathes faster and starts to pant. Face; pale. Light still red. As he waits his short life passes before him. He remembers the day he got his first bicycle, rode it to school, took it to the piers with fellow friends, and the day school bullies snatched it off him. And the day he stepped into that pretentious boarding school, where he met his first crush, had his first kiss and heart broken, all within a year. Then there was the day he gets into college. The excitement, the anxiety… it was overwhelming. And later, the senior ball, as he walked in through the grand entrance with his ‘true love’; all eyes were on her, mesmerized.

Then came the day the young man had to go out to the real world. He landed a mediocre job like everyone else, lived in a mediocre apartment like everyone else and led a mediocre life just like everyone else. It was then that he met the ‘real-true-love’ of his life and now… here he was, waiting for the light to turn green, deciding which way to turn.

Light turns green, he indicates, he turns right as he looked into the eyes of his ‘real-true-love’. Slowly, nervously, but surely.

As I was driving my carriage of being on a long straight motorway, I saw the sign “Gas - Last chance for god knows how many miles”. I drove past and there it was. The crossroad. Light turns red and I came to a halt. “So this is when I started thinking”, I thought. And think I did. If I turn right the road will be comfortable, well lit, safe, smooth and straight, but, most definitely, boring. It is just a straight dual-carriageway with one exit in the end with no rest stops.

So do I turn left instead? It’s a long winding and endless road, with exceptional view and ever challenging chicanes and sharp turns. The definition of heaven for the young and adventurous. It however lies on the edge of a mountain, and ravines so deep that you could fall asleep before hitting the ground. Vultures fly low, waiting for the next unfortunate weak hearted victims.

Perplexed, I looked ahead and saw a gigantic sign saying “NO ENTRY – FOR AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY”. The road was blocked by military personnel, tanks and barbed wire. It seemed to be a busy road indeed with more and more traffic signs I can’t possibly read from this side of the road. From afar I could see well maintained lawns, almost-uniformed buildings with porches, driveways, and garages with hoops above the door. Everything was in order. Everything was certain and most importantly everything was perfect. It is a one-way road. The sign also says “Exit Only”. As I sat and observed there was a few broken cars drove out of it. Some turned into to the motorway and others, hastily drifted towards the winding vulturous road. “Why would anyone……?” and my thoughts stopped there.

I sighed long, and I sighed hard. For the choices I have made, I brought to myself this predicament. I looked ahead and there he was. The guy who turned right. As he drove up his driveway I saw the look in his face. He seemed rather exhausted. Rear doors open and a counple of tiny little ‘hims’ ran out of the car towards a lovely lady on the porch who had been standing there, waiting. I looked back at the guy, and he was no more exhausted. He seemed relaxed. He seemed content. He was no more a nervous hesitant guy. He seemed… happy.

Now I know where the highway leads to. I want to get there. But I want to go straight. The right turn is way too long and way too boring. It requires patience. It tests your endurance. But the end of the road is so… dreamy. Is it worth it though? Why can’t I just go straight and get there right away? What is the big deal? Those guys left. There should be vacant spots for other people. People like me. “BUT WHY CAN’T I?!?!?!?!?! I don’t care. I want to go straight. I want to ditch this person in my passenger seat and just go straight!” I screamed. The-guy-who-turned-right turned to me, shook his head, pointed me towards the highway and gave a hand gesture saying, ‘it’s all going to be ok’.

Maybe I should turn right. Not that I don’t have anyone sitting on the passenger seat. She’s been there throughout these years, in good times and bad. She’s the one, who stayed in the car while I went for a ride in another; the one who held the umbrella as I changed the tire in the rain. But the excitement is gone. The spark had turned into a dying flame fighting the imminent wind. We can’t possible survive the journey. Either I ditch my passenger, turn left for the uncertainties, and never look back, or ditch my passenger, and stomp on the accelerator risk my life to break the barrier ahead, or, keep my passenger turn right and endure the ride, which means I’ll be stuck with her forever.

I looked ahead at the guy-who-turned-right again and this time, him, the little hims and lovely lady, cheerfully pointed the highway and then I know, things are going to be ok.

Perhaps right I shall turn. But turning right means an uninteresting yet enduring ride. Bring it on!! But there’s one more thing I’m going to need. A bigger ride for me, my passenger, and the tiny little me-s that will come along the way. I can’t think of anything more appropriate than, a Nissan Grand Livina.

Light turns green…

MILF Hunter

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