Yet another one of the epic adventures of my mind, lost in the parallel world. A mirrored image of the mirror image of the real world. Where opposites turned around once again, making fantasy seems so real, hindering the ability of mind to part the world we are living in from the parallel one of which, a partition of our brains wanted to be in.
Lying on the mattress so old that I could feel the coils poking my back like acupuncture therapy. Staring at the purple ceiling, hypnotized by the swaying chandelier, blown by cool winter breeze, I surrender under the warmth of the 20 togs duvet. Sub-zero degree Celsius, it was as if the air nibbling on my brittle 23 year old bones. Radiator was on, to the max. Room stuffed with Dunhill Fine Cut menthol lights fume. “Brain, brain, go away, come again another day” I thought.
It had been a week since I got here, and the only times that I left this spot were only when summoned by Mother Nature or loading carbohydrates for the sake of surviving. Surviving. Isn’t that what we all do? The turbulence in my head is reaching the climax. Identity crisis, priority issues; name it. I have it all. How do I deal with it? Well, the only defense mechanism that worked so far (up until last week at least) would be my sleep. That was when the soul parts with the body, floats to the parallel world that it feels comfortable in. But recently my soul was devastated by how real the parallel world turned out to be. That world of which it used to call a happy place is a happy place no more. The same shit it gets with the body is now the shit it gets without. Hanging in between, the body was left directionless. Purpose of sleeping has been defeated.
I somehow figured a way to save my happy place. I needed enhancement. So I got myself enhancement. After a pack of fine cut cigarettes, a litter of cheap French Chardonnay and steamy unprotected sex, my happy place was back. It somehow fades away as reality bites every dawn as I get up for Subuh submission. I pray to the higher power, day in day out, night in night out, so that one day I could get out of this confusion. Breaking away from sobriety was my temporary solution for all of these, but how long can my renal system take it? Nine years of puffing tar in and out of my lungs is enough to bring judgment day 20 years closer. How much more of my brain cells can I afford to burn and most importantly, how much longer can my bank account sustain?
My questions to god were replied by more and more questions that I had to ask myself. They are all about my confusion. Now I think I might not even be confused at all. Maybe I’m just scared. Scared of the future; the future that I had been anticipated for. It’s near now. Five months to be precise. A lot that I want to do. A lot that I have to do. Youngsters in Kapar need a proper leader who doesn’t do superman on a 70cc bike. The mosque could collapse if my 10 years old sister kicks one of the pillars, and my ego tells me “If you did not do anything about it, no one will.” I want to get my father a Maybach together with 24hr chauffer to take him golfing or hang out at Chinoz with his friends anytime he wishes to. My mother could use a bigger island in the kitchen. I love her cooking and I know she loves it when we enjoy her cooking. Seeing her smile is probably the most beautiful thing in the world. My little sister should get her SLK 55 by the time she starts college. But all these big things with too little time? What am I going to do? How am I going to deal with it? Where do I start? I don’t know. I don’t know.
The khutbah just now was about the new years. NEW FREAKIN YEAR!!! Not only I’m highly bugged by the fact that I’m getting old, they now have to remind me. Thanks. Oh well, it’s Friday. Not the day to worry about anything. It’s the day of congregation. Hallelujah. Friday; the day of pizzas, kegs of pilsner, girls too poor to buy clothes that could cover, and if we are lucky, some sweet sweet green source of Tetra-hydro Cannabiol (some call it 'weed'). Viva Bob Marley!!!! (Though he’s dead).
Saturday dawn breaks. Drunken limbs all over the place. This chick had a used condom up her right ear. My praying matt covered with vomit. Curly fries, fritté de calamari. Shit, now I know what she had for lunch yesterday. Fcuk this shit. I really need to get out of here. I love my faith, I love my friends, but I love myself more. I left home to achieve freedom. But freedom had let me down. I left to search prosperity, but poverty is what i found. My soul is dying, I’m a walking zombie. Directionless,….. Shit...
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